November 2, 2023

It’s time I stop lying to myself and to those who love and care about me and really lay out what’s been going on with me. Rather than share the actual truth, I’ve been painting a picture that puts me in a prettier light than which I deserve. All the lying and misleading has done nothing but feed my ego.

For the past 10 years I’ve been in a vicious cycle of drug and alcohol addiction. Something bad will happen and I’ll commit myself to sobriety. I’ll correct my actions for two, three, four, five or six months, then I’ll get confident and think I can control myself while under the influence. I’ll then indulge and something bad once again happens.

It’s a cycle I’ve been trapped in ever since I got my first DUI in college. Back then, I brushed it off. I’m in college, everyone is partying, it’s okay, shit happens, keep moving forward. As I’ve gotten older the cycle has continued and the only thing I’ve gotten better at is digging myself out of holes I constantly put myself in.

If I lose a job, I’ll get another one. If I lose a car, I’ll get another one. If I lose a bad bitch, oh well, let me find another one. I’ve become so used to rebounding after misshaping that I thrive off it. I thrive off people doubting me. I thrive off restarting the sobriety journey. I thrive off people running to defend me. I thrive off people supporting me and building me back up. I thrive off my ego.

I’ve been ruminating on a lot of things these past few days and I’ve come to the realization that while drugs and alcohol may be the catalyst to what causes my behavior, they are not the source. The source is my ego.

I’ve lived my entire teenage and adult life trying to create this façade. I’ve been creating this image of me to the outside world that is false. The images I post on social media are not really me. While you see the posts of an extravagant time over the Halloween weekend, you don’t see the consequences I’ve been dealing with after a three-day bender. While you see the posts of the pretty girl I’m enthralled by, infatuated with and mesmerized by, you don’t see how I managed to ruin my relationships with all the ones prior to her. While you see the smiles and hear the laughter, you don’t see the pain I’ve self-inflicted and tears I’ve cried.

A lot of serious changes are needed. One of which is staying off social media. It’s all lies and I’m not only addicted to telling these Iies, but I’m also addicted to the likes, the messages, the comments, the posts, the shares, all of it. I’m addicted to all those things because they feed my ego. If I post a story, I look back at who liked it and who commented on it. The same goes for text messages, emails, anything that creates stimuli in my head and inflates my ego.

And it’s not just the alcohol, drugs, social media stimuli that I’m addicted to. I’m addicted to anything that makes me feel better about myself. I’m addicted to anything that takes my mind off whatever the fuck I’m dealing with or want to forget about.

I’m addicted to porn. I’m addicted to a woman’s touch. I’m addicted to the intimacy she gives me. I’m addicted to getting high and eating everything in sight. I’m addicted to attention.

The porn coupled with cocaine and masturbating creates this intense euphoric orgasmic feeling that makes me feel good and feeds my ego. A woman’s touch and her intimacy and her attention makes me feel like the baddest motherfucker in the room. The weed high takes me to an elevated state where I don’t worry and the food tastes so much better. It’s all fucking ego-driven.

My ego has led to me distance myself from so many things. I am an alcoholic and an addict. I’ve been in plenty of AA rooms both court-mandated and not. My immediate thought once I sit down is: I’m better than these people, why the fuck am I here and why the fuck should I be listening to them? Look at me, I’m 20 years their junior, I dress nice as fuck and I have time to correct myself, when most of them are ready to die. All that’s my ego talking. I’m not better than any one of those people sharing their stories. I am them.

I’ve always had a solid support system in place. That’s never been the issue. I am loved and surrounded by people who admire, respect, cherish and look up to me. What I haven’t been doing is looking to them for help. Throughout this entire cycle, I’ve always thought I could do this on my own. I’m me. I’m Ruben Garcia Jr. I can stop doing drugs strictly based on willpower.

Sure I can go two months without drinking or doing drugs just on willpower, but at a certain point I’m going to indulge again. I need help. I will be reaching out to those closest to me in the coming days and asking for help. I don’t plan to access my social media accounts for awhile, thus I will count on y’all to update me on new music, Thug’s case and anything else that I might miss. I really just need to unplug and not see so much stimuli. There’s so much fucking noise in my head, I can’t ever decompress.

My ego is preventing me from being me. This entire time I’ve been trying to distance myself from the person I become when I drink and do drugs. I need to stop that shit. Rather than run away from who I am, I need to recognize who I am. Yes I am loving, caring, suave, nuanced, smart and a bunch other words that feed by ego when I’m sober, but I flip like a switch when I’m 4-5 drinks deep. I turn into someone who is a danger to himself and other people.

I am that person. That person is me. I have to grow to love that person and recognize how easily I can morph into that person. I’ve always tried to hide that person rather than embrace that dark side of me. I am him and even if I don’t love that version of me, I need to understand that that person is still me and will always be me.

Lastly, and I think most importantly, my ego has led me down an unholy path. Growing up and experiencing what I think I experienced during my childhood, made me hate God and question my faith. Why oh why mighty God is my mom’s face getting beat in if you are so loving and caring? Why oh why mighty God is my mother abandoning me to go live with her abuser who is now the father of her two newest children? Why oh why mighty God am I being made fun of at school for my crooked teeth, frail stature and dark circles under my eyes?

My faith is like a long-term off and on relationship and I need to change that. Recently, I’ve been praying or doing what I think praying is. I’ve asked God to reveal himself. And on my momma, there have been too many subtle signs to ignore the existence of a higher power. I’m not going to find God overnight and I realize after denying the existence of God for so long, it’ll take some immense soul-searching, but I’m ready and at this point I’m at an impasse and have no choice. I am fearful of what life I will continue living if I continue to not surrender.

I also need to take the time to reexamine everything in my life. As much as I love smoking weed and watching sports, why am I doing that so much? Why do I continue to distract myself and prevent myself from excelling? In the time I could smoke a j, relax and watch a football game, I could be reading scripture or diving deep into my trauma and actually healing.

With all that being said, I need help and I need you guys to help me. This isn’t going to be easy. It’s going take more than going to AA, finding God, confiding in my people and staying away from certain situations to keep me on the right path, but I am here and I am willing. And although these words have been uttered before and y’all have all read them before, it’s time. All the other times I didn’t feel a presence around me as I do now. He is with me and I can feel it. Can you feel it?