September 28, 2021

I liken breakups to raging wild fires: beautiful chaos. On one hand you’re completely devastated. You loved this person (or thought you did), you planned a future with this person (a future that may not have even been obtainable) and you catered to this person every moment of the day (even if it wasn’t reciprocated). On the other hand you’re rejoiced, you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You can now focus on loving yourself instead of receiving that love from someone else. You can plan your own future, one that doesn’t revolve around a partner, but one that you hope yields a more compatible partner. You can get back to following your own ambitions and bettering yourself instead of following what your partner dreamed of.

At the time of writing this, it’s been a few days since we’ve separated and as it is often with my brain it’s completely split down the middle. I miss her most in the morning when our bodies aren’t intertwined, when there isn’t a slither of drool that came from her mouth on my hairy chest, when there aren’t lips to kiss or a hand to grasp. As the day progresses, I still long for her, but I come to my senses and these feelings dissipate.

But still there are constant reminders of her everywhere I go. My shower curtains are covered with one of her favorite things: butterflies. Her contact on my phone included her name followed by: 🦋💍. My name in her phone: R🐛. It’ll be sometime before I see a butterfly and not be reminded of her.

My shoes and socks are still sandy from the times we spent laying on the beach. There are songs I can’t listen to and frankly won’t listen to because they remind me of her. I haven’t encountered another woman with the same name, just yet, but I’ve heard the names of her nieces who I grew fond of and that hurts a bit. Kids are kids and I doubt they’ll remember me, but never seeing them again after spending quality time with them is a gut punch.

I crossed the thin line between faithfulness and unfaithfulness in this relationship. Initially, I blamed my actions on never being in a relationship. I didn’t know what was expected. I didn’t know what I could do and couldn’t do. Then I blamed the alcohol, as we often do. I never followed through with infidelity but I did entertain other women. As things progressed, my main focus was her. It was all about her, but I know there was a modicum of doubt in her mind. She couldn’t trust me. I broke that trust and there isn’t anyone to blame but myself. The breaking point was me once again entertaining another woman. My gesture, albeit completely innocent, was enough to permanently cause a divide.

There was also the issue of us being on two different timelines. She expressed her frustration that she was molding me into something that she didn’t think I wanted to become. She suggested that I always told her want she wanted to hear and she despised that. She said she knew that if this continued I would become a person I didn’t want to be and I would end up hating her and myself in the end. I can’t say she’s completely wrong about any of those things.

She was molding me into something I eventually did want to become. I just wasn’t ready to be that person. I was always fearful of saying the wrong thing around her because she was so fiery and I didn’t want to upset her. Now I notice that this wasn’t the ground I wanted to walk on. I was walking on eggshells in the relationship and had to tiptoe in my actions.

I was so willing to commit and surrender to her because I didn’t want to lose her. She gave me what I never had: a true relationship. When you’ve felt unloved your entire life, you’re going to try your hardest to make something work out, even if it’s not the right time or with the right person. I feel like everyone I’ve ever loved and who has ever loved me leaves me in the end. I feel like everything I put touch turns to ruin. I wanted everything we talked about to come to fruition, because I was fearful I’d never find love again.

If things happen for reasons and people enter your life for specific reasons, then I must take this pain, this sadness and use it as a catalyst to not only improve myself, but to improve my relationships with future women.

I know I will find true love and when I do, I will stand my ground. Yes relationships are about compromise, but there shouldn’t be a need to make drastic changes to your personality or your actions to appease the person you want to settle down with. That’s completely unnatural. Love shouldn’t be forced.

I loved this woman and I will always love this woman. She stood by my side when she could have easily left me in the dust. She loved me like no girl loved me before. It’s a shame that we wanted different things at different times. I feel like if we met when we were younger or we were closer in age this would have worked out. It’s like I met the right girl at the wrong time.

I’ll continue to appreciate what we did have and not dwell on the negative aspects. We shared incredible moments full of elation. We smiled, we laughed, we loved. I’m sad yes, but I’m also grateful I can get back to the things I neglected during the relationship. I know I’ll be better suited, more well-off and hyper focused when the next beautiful woman walks into to my life. To the A, we go.