February 22, 2024

I’m on Day 112 of this shit. This is usually the time where I get overconfident, stop doing the necessary steps to remain in the proper head space, think I can indulge just a little bit and revert back to my old behavior. It’s significant that I’m even cognizant of this right now. I usually just say fuck it, head to my favorite restaurant and order a Casamigos Repo jalapeño-laced Cadillac margarita with a Tajin rim, then another, then another, then another. Despite how salivating that sounds right now especially with the sun shining after a brief spell of rain, I will not do that. The last time I did that, well… yeah.

I thank Nic Sheff for allowing me to have this moment of clarity. Sheff is the author behind “Tweak” and “We All Fall Down.” Timothée Chalamet famously portrayed him in the film “Beautiful Boy”. I started reading his debut novel and got triggered. Sheff writes about one of his many stints in rehab and paraphrases how another addict describes the tranquility that comes with being high:

“I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somewhere I’d just missed it. They all seemed to know exactly what they were doing while I didn’t have a clue. That is, until I found drugs and alcohol. Then it was like my world suddenly went from black-and-white to Technicolor.”

Admittedly, while I thoroughly enjoy the effects of drugs and alcohol, being on them is not as transcendental as described above. If they did take me from black-and-white to Technicolor I probably wouldn’t ever stop abusing them. I think of my relationship with drugs and alcohol more as a form of escapism mixed with bumptiousness. Whatever burdens are weighing me down are suddenly lifted. For those few hours where I’m in a drunken or high state nothing seems to matter. Everything feels right. I feel like I can conquer the world, as if my money is limitless and my bravado is alluring to everyone in my vicinity. Now the problem is I don’t know when to stop.

I say all this to point out that I had to stop reading the book. I felt like indulging by simply reading. 25 pages in and I knew that I didn’t have any of this shit figured out. While Sheff clearly points out the negative consequences and incessant shame that comes with using, I only focused on the euphoria he talked about.

Again, a moment of clarity and an opportunity to remind myself of a few things that I can’t ever forget:

-If I’m not consistent with the little things, I know that’ll lead to being inconsistent with the bigger things. If I don’t hit the gym, if I don’t read, if I don’t write, if I don’t communicate my feelings with my people, if I don’t eat properly, if I don’t hydrate properly, if I don’t get adequate rest then it’ll be a lot easier to order that margarita.

-My addictions aren’t singly tied to substances. My addictive behavior is seen in other aspects of my life. I need to work on controlling those parts as much as I’m focusing on abstaining. I wasn’t keenly aware of this until baby girl pointed it out. Just another reason why I revere this woman so much.

-This is a lifelong battle. This isn’t something I can take a break from. These addictions are with me every damn day and I need to respect the power they have over me.

-I need to strengthen my relationship with my higher power. I still don’t know what that truly looks like or what I really believe. I do know I give thanks to Allah most mornings, ask for forgiveness, ask him to bless and protect all his children and show all the addicts out there that there is freedom from addiction as he showed me. But even those prayers seem rushed sometimes. I leave most mornings at 9:30am and come 9:25am I’m speeding through my prayers.

-Hedonism and egotism are the Devil and will be the death of me if I don’t course-correct often. I sometimes am not benevolent to everyone I encounter. In the past I’ve only been nice to people I find attractive or people I can get something out of. That is wicked behavior.

-Lastly and most importantly I need to remind myself that I am not alone regardless of how lonely I may feel at times. I have the best support system I could possibly ask for.

I have a mother who loves me unconditionally and constantly reminds me that I am bigger than my mistakes and I can do this.

I have a love interest who is cosmopolitan and vivacious. She is gentle and patient with me, works with me through my bullshit, allows me to be vulnerable and opens my mind in ways nobody has ever done before.

I have a gang of friends who lift me up when I am down, make me laugh uproariously, let me lead when I desire to and allow me to love them in ways that aren’t the norm in this dog-eat-dog machismo world (pause). I have beautiful relationships at work with people that make me smile and allow me to be my true authentic chaotic self.

I have great familial relationships outside of the one with my mother. I’m learning to forgive and let go of anything that may have hindered those relationships in the past and it’s a beautiful thing to do so.

I needed to be reminded of all that. I’m grateful for this life I have. There have been times where I wasn’t, as recently as late ‘23. So to have all this right now is so damn refreshing.