November 26, 2023

Feelings of fear overcame me when thinking of writing this too soon in my newfound recovery. I didn’t want to think I was pink clouding only 24 days into this. But I’ve realized it’s important to document my progress for myself and for those rooting for me. I know I don’t have everything figured out and I may never have everything figured out and that’s okay. I may relapse again and that’s okay too, but living in fear of relapsing gives more power to the things I am powerless over.

Every time I tried to get sober before this it was under this pretext of false recovery. I only stopped drinking until my ego was back where it needed to be. I only stopped drinking until the shame and guilt dissipated. I only stopped drinking until my bag was back up.

I was still smoking weed incessantly. I was still filling my nose with powder. I was still in pursuit of pussy. I was still hungry for money. I was still living a hedonistic lifestyle.

This time around, things not only feel different, they are different. I have processes and people in place to hold me accountable. I’m not getting sober to feed my ego. I’m not getting sober so my partner stays with me. I’m not getting sober because it sounds like a good story. I’m getting sober for me.

24 days into this and I’ve eliminated everything that has previously clouded my mind. No caffeine, no weed, no cocaine, no adderall, no alcohol, no molly, no ketamine, no pornography, no social media.

I start my days at 5am, I attend an AA Zoom meeting at 6am, I go on a 30 minute walk through the park, I make two eggs, four to six pieces of bacon, I eat, I take my vitamins, I brush my teeth, I shower, I change, then I pray. I pray to my higher power, we’ll call him God and then I’m off to work.

I’ve done that every day for the past 24 days and it’s working and I have nobody but God to thank for that. It’s quite comical to me. I’ve denied the existence of a higher power for so long, but the writing has always been on the wall.

I felt emboldened when I got Ultra Light Beam tattooed on my neck. Little did I know how profound those three words would mean all these years later. The song spoke to me, but getting it was —again ego-driven. Part of me wished ‘Ye would see it and invite me into this circle, much like Rocky briefly brought me into his circle after getting A$AP tattooed on my back.

Ultra Light Beam refers to the biblical story of Paul. Don’t quote me on any of this, although I have copies of the Bible within arm’s reach as I write this, I haven’t read a damn page. Paul persecuted Christians. God is said to have blinded him with a beam of light. After he regained his sight he converted to Christianity and started living for Christ.

I’ve been spiritually bankrupt my entire life. I had no connection with a higher power. When people told me “God Bless you” I balked their salutations. As I maneuver through this newfound recovery, I’m just beginning to let God in.

When I pray, I don’t ask for much. I ask for the patience, the energy, the perseverance, and the strength to get through whatever God allows me to face that day. I ask God to bless my family, starting with my mother, her husband, my sister, her boyfriend, my brother, my Aunt Mary and her family, my Aunt Sabrina and her family, my Uncles and their families, my grandma and my grandpa, the myriad of friends that come to mind and my love interest. I then ask God to save all those still crippled by their addictions. I ask God to give all his children the same things he would give to me. I then thank God for allowing me to live another 24 hours. I thank God for showing himself to me. I thank God for allowing me to live a holy life after so many years of living for myself and not him or his fellow children.

Going forward, my biggest disconnect is adhering to a certain religion. I mean I don’t necessarily need to do so, and I don’t necessarily want to be boxed into a religion but it is something I would like to explore. I have no problem believing in a higher power. My higher power has saved me time and time again. He has blessed me time and time again, even when I was running with the Devil. God has shown Himself to me in many ways after I asked Him to do so. There is no denying that.

That being said, I am still struggling with connecting God’s presence together with Jesus. Can I say with certainty that Jesus was God’s son? No. I don’t really know what I believe right now. I find a lot of beauty in a lot of organized religions, and I don’t want to adhere to social norms when it comes to my spiritually. I want to explore everything out here and get connected with the values and principles that align with my vision. 


I need to read the Bible, that’s a given and I will. I’m open to anything and everything in terms of spirituality at this point. I am excited to continue this journey and live through God. God is good, all the time. Blessing to all.