Can it melt away all of our mistakes?

April 1, 2024

A woman’s love will really fuck you up. It’s tender and soft. It’s warm and welcoming. It’s peaceful and blissful. It’s sweet and passionate. It’s a bright spring day with a light breeze. It’s a walk through the park as music blasts through your headphones. It’s a precocious baby smiling at the sound of its mother’s voice. It’s a direct deposit into a healthy bank account. It’s hitting all green lights on the way home. It’s a fresh and well pressed fit. It’s a crispy clean haircut. It’s a sip of cold water on a scorching day. It’s mom’s cooking. It’s home. It’s safety.

But it’s equally as dangerous, especially for someone like me. It’s scary and treacherous. It’s debilitating. It’s difficult to not lean in completely and live in a state of constant transcendence. It’s so damn easy to get lost in it, enveloped by it, consumed by it. It feels so damn good, so damn good. So damn good, it feels like it’s the only thing that matters, especially for someone like me.

When I say someone like me, I mean someone who has always craved love, affection, kindness and understanding because I felt it was absent. I mean someone who falls in love too soon, loves too deeply too early and plans a future without being even present. I mean someone who has never loved properly because he never witnessed it. I mean someone who hasn’t completely accepted and loved himself as he should.

A woman’s love is so damn addicting. It’s better than any drug I’ve ingested. That’s why it’s so damn dangerous for someone like me. I’ll neglect anything and everything to cater to the love I’m receiving. I’ll give, give, give, receive, receive, receive, give, give, give, receive, receive, receive and stop all the necessary work it takes to end the cycle I’ve found myself in with all the other addictive stuff. I figure this is why AA suggests not engaging in any romantic relationships until working through the steps. The same behaviors that take control while using reveal themselves as the romance builds and intensifies.

It’s a bit difficult for me to be completely transparent on this platform. I want to protect the privacy and intimacy of my relationship, but I’d be doing myself an injustice if I didn’t reveal what’s been happening.

I’ve been lost in the sauce loving this woman. I’ve been moving at the speed of light. I’ve been saying big words that carry big feelings. I’ve been planning shit with only the end in mind. I’ve been deciding things for her and without her consent. I’ve been doing things we agreed I wouldn’t do. I’ve been saying things and not doing them. I’ve been telling her what I think she wants to hear. I’ve been neglecting my own physical, spiritual and mental health in order to take care of her. I’ve slowly been becoming dependent on her for my happiness. I’ve replaced all my previous addictions with her.

All of this was conveyed to me from the start. I felt big feelings and said big things from the beginning. Something drew me to her when I first saw her. I felt like forces greater than me brought her to me. She came to me exactly when I needed her the most. It felt preordained. It felt heaven-sent. Thinking that and truly believing in that whimsical feeling led me to move with no real purpose. I felt like her presence was fate and I maneuvered liked that. If this is really what I believe it is, why do I need to do anything but chase that end goal? And that’s exactly where I fucked up. I seldom kept her in mind when doing things, even if those things were out of love.

She told me to slow down, repeatedly. I said I would, then didn’t. She told me to breathe, that she needed time and space to see if this was what she really wanted. I gave her that time and space, but acted impetuously when I felt she was being distant. This behavior continued until it reached a breaking point.

The time and space turned from days into weeks and me being the little boy that I am when internalizing big shifts like this, I felt devastated. Now that I’ve had time to take a step back and process what’s been happening, it makes perfect sense why I’ve been reacting in the ways I have been.

If she became my new addiction (she did) and that new addiction wasn’t there anymore (it wasn’t), the same feelings that come with a euphoric bender that ends in a fiery crash resurface. And that’s exactly what happened. Our gradual shift from incessant communication to distance felt like recovering from a massive hangover. The same shame and guilt I felt when I did something egregious while out drinking is the same shame and guilt I felt questioning what I did wrong for us to get to this point.

And all of that is so wrong. Again, this process of recovery isn’t just about stopping the substance abuse, it’s an entire lifestyle and mindset shift. I can’t replace one addiction with another, no matter how gorgeous, patient, gentle and delectable that addiction is. I can’t spiral out of control when that addiction goes away. I can’t blame or get mad at that addiction for doing what it needs to do to feel whole.

This leads me to where I’ve been led before. It sounds so fucking easy to do it too. It’s a process and it’s been a process that I’m still in the midst of and will forever be in the midst of.

I need to give myself the same level of love and care that I gave her. That same tenderness and softness that I give her when she needs it is the same tenderness and softness I need to give myself. Those same kind and uplifting words I tell her when she is feeling down are the same words I need to be telling myself. The same patience I have with her is the same patience I need to have with myself. Only then can we build a relationship and only if it makes sense for the both of us.

We need to be two completely independent healthy people before we can proceed with any type of further romance. I need to be stable, healthy in the physically and mental. I need to be her rock, not her caretaker. I need to be my own rock and not look to her for the things I’m lacking. I need to find that within myself. Otherwise we’re both in this constant push and pull dynamic. And I know neither of us wants that.

April is here. Spring is here. And I’ll use her words to close this out:

“Let’s use this spring to each find our way to blossom. I don’t want to chase a fire. I want to root and ground myself within myself. I want to bloom.” I do too baby, so let’s get to it.