February 27, 2022

Before I proceed any further I’d like to thank everyone that has stuck true to me when they could have easily abandoned me. I have put many of you in precarious, embarrassing and downright pitiful situations due to my alcohol consumption. I appreciate you all for giving me countless chances when you shouldn’t have. I thank you for making excuses for my actions when you didn’t have to. I commend you for seeing something in me that I rarely see in myself.

For years I lied to myself. I told myself this crippling condition that I’ve seen take the souls of family members didn’t affect me. I told myself I was immune. I told myself I was far too intelligent to be branded as an alcoholic. I tried to hide who I was. When I’d blackout and wake up to text messages from people who were concerned about my behavior, I ignored them. I’d often drink more on those early shameful mornings to make myself feel better about what I may have done the night before. I told myself, if I didn’t remember what happened, then it really didn’t happen.

I can’t count the relationships I’ve ruined. Alcohol Anonymous suggests making amends with these people that you have wronged, but I’m too afraid to do that. I don’t want to open up those doors. Those are skeletons in my closet, and I’m fearful those skeletons will drag me back into the darkness with them. For now, I’ll leave those people alone and only offer a strong sincere apology. I am sorry for wronging you, disrespecting you and making situations weird and uncomfortable. I of all people know actions speak louder than words. I’ve said sorry before and gone right back to what I was doing. So I understand if you don’t accept these words.

I know I am not the same blissful person you all love when I am under the influence. For years I constantly battled with myself. I didn’t know if I was this person you all adore or if I was this demonic selfish and atrocious being I know I am when my brain is clouded with ethanol. I would have these mental gymnastics every day. At its worst, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror. I wanted to kill myself to take the feelings of regret and guilt away. I wanted to jump in front of the 5 train and call it a day. But today we move forward.

There are things I want to do and many things I want to accomplish and I know I can do none of that living how I was living. I tried to live life by limiting my alcohol consumption. Telling myself I’d only have one or two drinks. That seldom worked. When that liquor is flowing in me, I have no self control. One drink turns into two drinks. Two drinks turns into a blackout. Those blackout have endless possibilities. Blackouts in the past have turned into loss of careers, loss of relationships, crashed cars, stolen cars, getting kicked out of Yankee Stadium, being robbed, waking up in bushes, alleys, unknown vehicles and other situations I’ll never share with anyone.

I understand it’s only 90 days, I understand I’m only half way to my sobriety record of 6 months. I understand that I can falter at any point and easily go back to those sweet tasting margaritas. But I mustn’t think that way. I need to keep pushing forward. I can’t look back. What’s done is done.

I have dreams of starting a family and being a father that I never had. I know I can’t do that as an alcoholic. I can’t bring that behavior around children. I can’t bring that behavior around women who love me and care about me. I’ve tried doing that and it didn’t end well. To the women that love me right now, thank you. I appreciate you all more than you know. It’s been hard at times to love myself and I’m still shocked that you women love me the way that you do. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the point where I see myself the way that y’all do. Just know I’m trying and I’ll do my best to see the good in my soul rather than all the bad I’ve done.

I’m always transparent with who I am and how I am feeling because I know there are others out there that are going through similar shit. I just want to let y’all know no matter how hard things get, things do get better. Keep fighting. We move.