January 4, 2024

Of all the women I’ve encountered throughout the years, I’ve only been in love with a handful. However there are others that are significant. Significant in the fact that I have harmed them in selfish and despicable ways. I noticed one of them at the gym today and feelings of shame engulfed me.

When I cycle through all the girls I made cry in 2023, she’s one of three. In telling about her to my peers I’ve summarized her period in my life with a story that I used to laugh about and tell in a humorous manner:

The last time I did shrooms, I made a girl cry. I ingested all the crumbs at the bottom of the bag, not knowing how potent they would be. She took some as well, but the effects on her were minimal. I, on the other hand, started tripping like I’ve never tripped before in the worst way possible. I told her, “I either need to die, fall asleep, or go see my mother.” I end up taking an Uber to see my mom and I leave this poor girl crying in my room.

The story sounds a lot funnier when it’s verbalized to the guys, rather than written out as I reexamine this situation I brushed under the rug. When I tell that story I fail to mention the reasons behind her tears.

She cried that night because she had no way to get back to her child. I picked her up from her home as she left her child in the care of her cousin. This woman trusted me to safely return her back at a reasonable time. This woman took time out of her day and left her sleeping child to come hang out with me and I left her in my room. This woman had this heightened image of me and I let her down. The pain behind those tears was real, and I did nothing to make her feel safe in the situation.

I really did feel like I was going to die that night. The effects were overwhelming to the point that I wanted to die to escape them. I tried to sleep it off, but couldn’t and the only thing I could do that made me feel safe was get a ride to my mother’s. I could have easily arranged a ride for her, but in that state of mind all I could think about was myself.

When I reflect on the new me versus the old me, this is the shit I need to correct. I shouldn’t have been with that woman in the first place. I was having issues with another woman and used this woman to inflate my ego, mask my insecurities, and bust a nut.

I consider myself a nice guy. When I’m with a woman I open her door, flood her with compliments, pay for the check, ask about her interests and listen to her. I understand that all of that is the bare minimum, but some women are so deprived of love and have had such shitty men enter their lives, that even those simple things can enthrall them.

I’m starting to think that old version of me wasn’t a nice guy, but rather a guy who was just being nice to manipulate women and get out of them what I desired. If I just wanted to explore their bodies, those intentions should have been communicated from the beginning.

Too many times, I’ve misled women, by simply being me. I understand that I’m easy to fall in love with. I understand the things I can offer are unique, satisfying, and welcoming. I understand that the love I have to offer is infectious and salivating. What I didn’t understand but I do now, is that I should not weaponize those things to my own advantage. That’s not fair to girls who welcome me into their lives expecting something completely different.

I had a close friend of mine tell me that I needed to stop bringing girls over to his house. I thought this gesture was completely harmless, but the way he explained it to me changed my perspective. He mentioned how I may think nothing of it, but inviting girls over to his house, when I have no intention of being in a committed relationship with them sends the wrong message.

My mother has a rule of her own. She refuses to meet anyone I’ve involved with until the relationship passes the 90 day mark. I presume my friend and my mother have similar reasoning for their guidelines.

I could have corrected the situation after leaving her in my room, but I didn’t. She still wanted to see me. I simply ignored her. She kept texting, I never replied and she eventually stopped. At the time, I felt what was done was done. I got out of her what I wanted to get out of her, and I didn’t see a reason to continue talking to her.

As I reflected about the situation between sets at the gym, I opened my contacts on my phone and searched for her name, but couldn’t find it. Just now, I did the same thing on my iPad and found her info. I will be sending her a message to apologize.

With that, I feel as if I still need to apologize to every other girl I have harmed over the years deliberately or not. Understand it was never you, but always me. I am sorry for presenting a façade. I am sorry for overpromising and underdelivering . I am sorry for abruptly ending contact with no explanation for doing so. I am sorry that I used you as a means to make me feel better about myself. None of y’all deserved that. The best form of an apology is changed behavior. I will be taking the steps needed to do that.